HILARIOUS - Wonder if these are true

Wonder if these are true………….

IF you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet...
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off..
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.......
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone !
(& do I love that pig!)

Tension

Tension

लड़की ने लिफ्ट मांगी,
रास्ते में लड़की की तबीयत ख़राब हो गई,
आप हॉस्पिटल ले गए,
डॉक्टर बोला - आप बाप बनने वाले हैं,
आपको TENSION !

आप बोले - मैं इसका बाप नहीं,
लड़की से पूछा,
लड़की बोली - ये ही बाप है,
आपको और TENSION !

पुलिस आयी, आपका मेडिकल चेक-अप हुआ,
रिपोर्ट आयी - आप तो बाप बन ही नहीं सकते,
जान छूटी, खुदा का शुक्रिया अदा किया,
ख़ुशी - ख़ुशी घर को चले,
तभी ख्याल आया - फिर घर पर जो २-२ बच्चे हैं,
वो किसके हैं ???
आपको TENSION ही TENSION !!!

Newton in Romantic Mood.....

Newton in Romantic Mood......

Universal law of Love:

" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "

*************

First law of Love:

" a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. "

*************

Second law of Love:

" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. "

*************

Third law of Love:

" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."

*************

How to keep a Wife happy ... Must Read Guys :)

It's not difficult to make a wife happy. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A good understanding

15. An astrologer

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly

46. Love shopping

47. Be honest

48. Be very rich

49. Not stress her out

50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1.. Leave him alone.

Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex ?

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you`ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won`t mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn`t scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don`t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there`s no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn`t make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn`t matter.

LADIES VS. REAL WOMEN

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's stillcooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt foran instant"fix-me-up."

Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "Imade it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."


Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.. You might still have the headache, but who cares?


Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feetup, eating it anyway.


Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.


Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, usea bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.


Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Woman - Swanson frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.


Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latexdishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jarseasy.

Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbour to do it.


And finally the most important tip....


Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Woman - LEFTOVER WINE ?????

Different kinds of Internet friendship proposals

Different kinds of Internet friendship proposals

Will u be my frinedship with me? Plz?????? (ya sure)

I'm all alone and in need of frinedship and friends. (ill gladly be ur friend if only you wud improve ur English)

Helelo I want friesship with u. (that reminds me of kkkkkiran)

I want to be closed friend with u. (when were we open?)

I want 2 b frands with you. (yup frands)

I want to be close friendship with u. (then be. Cuz I'm closed for you)

Please reply me to me weather we r frinds or not? (then you reply to urself dear me to me)

Behtarin....love...... Can v b plas? (r we gonna fix a car? Or screw some nuts?)

Itne mast mails kahaan se laati ho love? Can there be friends between us?and if frinedship is accepted. Then.....
Okkkk thunks. Thunk u so muck that u become my friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .................do u have an a a/c in orkat?????????
If u have plz sand me u r link.
(notice the space between u and r. It completely changes the meaning of the sentence. The sentence now becomes "if u have plz sand me you are link")